June 24, 2005

A respectful note to Congress: Please, noble men of the Hill, write a law to ban Flag Burning.

If the House of Representatives follows through on this bold initiative, a great victory will be won for the decent people of this country. I can think of no more valuable a manner in which to fill the unending hours of this legislative season. The less pressing issues of our time will be pushed to the backburner, where they may be best resolved. Gay men will be free to hump with wedding bands on, guaranteeing an eternity of well-deserved hellfire; the site of the next, and most “splendid little war” will be hashed out in the boardroom of Exxon, rather than the backrooms of Congress (we all know private industries are more efficient). The natural order of things will be restored.

As a man of great national pride, and a proud member of the growing Neo-Fascist Libertarian movement, I believe that every American should be free to never, ever see the flag being desecrated. Remember this: The only things worth burning squeal when they catch, and anyone who doesn’t agree is not worth their weight in napalm.

For those that argue that such a law would only encourage outside agitators, anarchists and insurgents by making the action a legal taboo, I add this: Bring ‘Em On! This legislation would cast the bait into the water and we’d have nothing more to do than sit back and wait for the bastards to bite. Every dollar drained into the legal defense fund is one less for the Sierra Club. “Death by a thousand cuts” is the expression, but it is not the “machine” of the First Amendment that needs killing, it is the “ghost” within. This law would deal the craggily old ghoul a severe blow.

And the public will love it.

Yes, the best aspect of this law would be its immense popularity, and not just among cultural conservatives. Those snarky liberal geeks would hit the streets the hour MoveOn posts the news. There’d be a run on fuel in the Northeast and Southern California. Burning flags and John Fogerty on morning television? Stocks in the Rage Industry would skyrocket, Scarborough Country would explode… the Democrats will wriggle and we will stomp them.

And, oh!, to see the New York Times on that blessed morning. We could deposit a daisy cutter in downtown Tehran and no one would think twice. They’d be chained to the pillars of the Supreme Court building where, as far as I know, there is no wireless Internet.

But we should resist the temptation to rush the process. Sources in the healthcare industry tell me Rehnquist will be dead by President’s Day, clearing the way for Alberto Gonzales to gain a nomination. The confirmation process might be long, but, if we are patient, the “Chinese Water Torture” clause those bulldogs in the South are quietly pushing for could make the final draft.

As for the opposition, it will be there, but it will be meek. How many divisions has the Washington Post? None. And their circulation is dwindling, too. By the time they figure out how the game gets played these days, we’ll have thrown half of Massachusetts into the sea.
The line, my friends, it is drawn. The curse it is cast. It is now in the hands of House to follow through and seal the deal. A wise man once said that “action moves away from the center,” and recent history indicates that a majority of the country will move in ours.