GAME REPORT// 'OLD MAN STRENGTH' PREVAILS ON FRATERNITY ROW

November 9, 2005

College Park, MD—Senior quarterback Robert Kluge threw for two scores and completed seven passes to five different receivers this afternoon as the SAM Out-of-Hosers ripped the rival SAM In-House Binmen 21-0 in a heavily anticipated, but thoroughly one-sided affair.

Underneath a soaring Chapel spire and slowly expiring daylight, with the sounds of the Maryland Marching Band stirring the crisp autumn air, the Hosers' Terrible Triumvirate of Kluge, Dan Powers, and Jeff Fischer ran roughshod over an disorganized and frustrated Binmen defense.

"I don't count the bodies," Fischer said when asked to name the defensive back he leaped over—and then squashed on the way down—while making an acrobatic late touchdown grab.

It was probably better for the Binmen that he didn't, because the toll would have been too high.

"Every time I dropped back I knew we'd complete a pass, I knew someone would be open, " Rob Kluge said.

Kluge set the tone on the first drive of the game, deflecting away Binmen quarterback Kristian Rivera's first pass and wrapping up receiver Andy Sitomer after a third down catch for a short gain. The Hoser defense whooped and hooted while Marc Premselaar punted on fourth down.

After a touchback, Kluge went back to work, this time under center and behind a stout line of Jon Karlik, Dan Metzger, and Heath Shyman. Following an incomplete pass on first down, Kluge hit Adam "Raspberry Sauce" Yoslowitz down the left sideline for a 30-yard gain over hobbled cornerback Jake "the Jake" Kimmelman. Two plays later the Hosers were in the end zone, courtesy of a short pass from Kluge to Dan Powers.

Powers, a senior—or is it junior?—H-Back, caught the pass with his back to the goal line and rolled like a booted pumpkin into the end zone before leaping blindly toward no one in particular. As the most flamboyantly dressed player on the field, Powers set an upsetting standard for uniform style. At one point he seemed to be prancing the field in a "Slutty Football Player" Halloween costume.

"Is that spandex?" one fan asked.

"I think I'm going to be sick," wretched another.

Back on the field, the Binmen offense continued to bumble. Rivera would finish the game 5-14 on pass attempts with no touchdowns, and was repeatedly chased from the pocket when his offensive line faltered.

Unwilling to abandon the deep passing game despite routinely facing five-man defensive backfields, the Binmen never established a flow on offense, and were down two scores before notching a first down.

"Jake ["the Jake" Kimmelman] was saying their end zone was too small. Well, yeah, it seems small when there are like nine guys back there," Innie assistant coach Evan Kline sniped after the game. "We should've thrown the ball short but no one could agree on anything."

"No one listened to me," Brian Banschick, the losing side's head coach said earlier, " I have no comment."

Banschick, described by his team as a "player's coach" in the mold of a pre-USC Pete Carroll, lost his grip early. Facing fourth-and-long on just their second possession, Banschick, perhaps overwhelmed by the gravity of the game, begged his team to "Go for it!" He was ignored, and left to watch impotently as the Binmen unraveled.

If the In-House team went to battle with a downright Rumsfeldian plan for victory, then the Out-of-House brothers appeared to have spent months in preparation for the tilt. Shuffling personnel with a swift and flawless precision, the Hosers routinely exploited favorable match ups from the line of scrimmage on out into the secondary.

"Fuck them," Jeff Fischer noted.

Up two scores late, and with the late afternoon's sunlight bled into a faint red afterglow, Kluge cut loose the short passing game that he had so methodically executed all day—completing passes to Fischer, Powers, Yoslowitz, Jess Bellissimo, and Michael "the Flying Nipple" Bender—and aired one out to Bellissimo down the right sideline.

Two plays later Fischer was in the end zone with his second score of the game and the outcome had been settled. The young upstarts had been turned back and turned home, without scoring a single point.

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Notes and Quotes…

Jay Rosen, before the game, on his role: "Takin' a shit on the field."

He excelled in it.

Rosen did his best Tony Mandarich for the two snaps he played at left tackle.

The major pre-game brouhaha involved Christopher "C-Wood" Wood's eligibility as an Binman. Wood has lived out-of-4607 Knox since the first week of school.

Playing for the In-House boys anyway, Wood was repeatedly left to waste away on the O-line (to block, uhh, Metzger?) despite looking like Jim Brown and Jackie Joyner Kersee's love child on his three rush attempts.

Andy Sitomer, better suited to a third-down back role, got the early carries, and played well on both sides of the ball. A bright spot for his club.

Michael "The Flying Nipple" Bender delivered a vicious "truck-stick" shoulder into Sitomer's craw. Bender ran him over, but he was slowed enough that Rivera could come across for the tackle on a key third down.

Kristian Rivera goes sideline-to-sideline like Jon Vilma. He lined up over the left tackle to start one goal line defensive play and ended it by stacking up Big Dan Powers at the right pylon.

Josh Dean, on his expectation as a spectator: "I just wanna see somebody get laid out, anybody really. Maybe Cherry."

"Dan Powers looks like a…?"

"…fat black prostitute with her gut hanging out of her shirt,"

- Josh Cohen

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FINAL BOX SCORE
Possession By Possession:
BINMEN 0 0 0 0 0 0
HOSERS 7 0 7 0 7 0

HOSERS

Passing:
Kluge, 7-13, 2 TD
Rushing:
Fischer, 2 carries, First Down, TD
Kluge, 2 carries
Powers, 2 carries
Bellissimo, 1 carry

Receiving:
Yoslowitz, 2 recepts, First Down
Bender, 2 recepts
Fischer, 1 recept, TD
Powers, 1 recept, TD
Bellissimo, 1 recept, First Down

INNIES:

Passing:
Rivera, 5-14
Sitomer, 0-1

Rushing:
Wood, 3 carries, First Down
Sitomer, 2 carries
Rivera, 1 carry, First Down

Receiving:
Wood, 2 recepts
Sitomer, 2 recepts
Premselaar, 1 recept

-GREG J. KRIEG